There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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