I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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