The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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