I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
