Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
