Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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