the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
farters have to be the big spoon...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
