i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
