YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
