he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
