In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
