After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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