I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
