i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
