i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
