Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
