Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
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Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
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It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED