At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Barsexuality is the new black.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.