So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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