he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize