The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
