uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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