So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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