Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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