you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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