lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
