you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
