hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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