he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
