you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont even know how to be here
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize