I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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