my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
