Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
