I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
