you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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