Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
