What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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