The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize