My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
