if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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