So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
