whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
