PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
