i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
