dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
