i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
