Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
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He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
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I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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