Houston, we have a squirter
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
