I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
