She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
