alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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