I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
