I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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