they said they heard you say put it in my butt
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
