She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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