One girl and one boy is just not enough.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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