would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
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Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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