I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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